Why Can't I Switch Off After Work? What's Actually Happening in Your Body
The day is done. You're home.
But... you're still stuck in it. Your mind is still running through the unfinished project, replaying the conversation that ended a little awkwardly, the people you forgot to get back to. You're exhausted. And you can't unwind.
If this sounds familiar, you're not doing anything wrong. There's something happening in your body that can make switching off feel really hard. Let’s unpack it a little, with some reassurance that you’re not “bad at relaxing”, there’s just a lot that your body’s been carrying.
Why you can't switch off after work, and why it has nothing to do with willpower
Most people assume not being able to switch off is a mindset thing. That if you just ‘let it go,’ or committed to a better wind-down routine, or finally downloaded the right app to keep you off your phone, you'd be able to come home and leave the day at the door.
But it's not what’s happening in your mind. It's what’s happening in your nervous system.
Your nervous system's job is to keep you safe, and it does this by constantly scanning. Picking up on signals from your environment, from the people around you, trying to decipher whether things are okay or not. For most of a working day, those signals are coming in fast. Emails that need a response. Urgent task landing right before clock-off. Conversations that need your attention…
By the time you get home, your nervous system is often still fired up and activated. And it doesn't just switch off because you walked through the front door. It needs time to register that the demands from the day are actually over and that it's okay to relax.
For some people, this transition happens quickly. For others, especially those who feel things deeply or who pick up on the emotions and energy of the people around them - it might take a little longer. And there’s nothing wrong with you, if you experience that.
What's really going on for sensitive people at the end of the day
If you tend to feel things deeply, you've probably noticed that a regular day takes more out of you than it seems to for other people.
This is because your nervous system takes in more. From the slight shift in someone’s tone, the mood or emotions of the people you’re talking to, to the innate stress that a deadline can bring. You’re likely absorbing and processing a lot more than just the tasks on your list.
So by the end of the day, you're not just tired from what you did. You're tired from everything you absorbed along the way.
Trying to simply relax when your nervous system is in this state is a bit like telling someone to ‘just calm down.’ Which, if you’ve ever been told this, you know how challenging it can be.
Because relaxation isn't something you can think yourself into or just decide to ‘switch off. Your body needs to feel safe and stable enough to soften first.
Why "just relaxing" doesn't work when you can't unwind
When your mind can’t switch off, the instinct is usually to try harder to relax. Watch something mind-numbing. To tell yourself to stop thinking about the day. To do something that keeps your mind preoccupied. Each of these being something ‘to do’.
Your nervous system often isn’t listening to the demand to ‘just relax and unwind’, because in the background, it’s often on the lookout for what ‘could’ go wrong or the next thing to keep you safe from.
This is why it can feel like your mind is still buzzing after watching that TV show or scrolling on social media.
Maybe you've tried a few relaxation strategies and found they work sometimes. Or maybe some never quite stick, and you still feel a bit distracted underneath it all. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, and it doesn't mean those strategies are placebo.
Some meditation and relaxation techniques work on trying to quieten the mind, to create or instill a sense of stillness. But often, your body might actually be needing something different. To discharge what it’s been holding all day - the tight shoulders, braced chest, restless legs, things you’d been holding your tongue from saying.
Forcing your body into stillness or quiet, could be squashing your body’s attempt to process the energy and emotions that naturally want to flow through.
Sometimes what’s most needed is space to reconnect to your body. To allow for your body to feel and process what it's been holding, and connect to the right conditions that help support your whole being to soften.
What could help instead…
There's no trick that works every time, and what helps one person doesn't always help another. But what I invite is to a body-led approach (aka Somatics). Here are some options you could try out and experiment with -
Give yourself transition space between the day and the evening (or different activities)
The space in-between, which allows your nervous system to consciously shift gears from one state of being to the next. To orient to what was, and what’s next. Your nervous system slows down when it reconnects to the present moment in time. Sometimes changing your clothes or showering when you arrive home can help reset and give your body some time to slow down. Maybe it’s taking a moment to pause, and breathe in between one activity to the next - to acknowledge what is. These intentional moments of pausing can allow your body to reset and catch up to the mind.
Use your senses deliberately
Allow your eyes to wander around the room, to daydream and watch the clouds go past, or feel the breeze touching your skin. Noticing your breath as it moves through your body. Reconnecting to your subtle senses. Maybe it helps to pop some music on and allow yourself to dance, shake, move how your body feels it needs to. To let out the sigh or sound that your body has been holding in all day - the “ahhh”. Maybe it’s making a warm drink, and connecting to the warmth that it brings to your body. Or wrapping a blanket tightly around your body, like a burrito. These might sound small, but when you connect to your senses, to what your body feels it needs in this present moment to feel more supported - your nervous system relaxes.
Work with your body, not against it
Your body and nervous system play a huge role in supporting your sense of unwinding and feeling more grounded. Telling your body to soften or relax or to empty your thoughts will wash over the body, but not sink in. Ti work with your body is to notice what your body needs in this moment in time, which may change day to day, moment to moment. And giving your body the opportunity to receive what it needs. Maybe it is a self hug, maybe it is a hand on your heart…
Working with the body (somatic work) makes a huge difference, especially if you’re a sensitive person who's been carrying a lot or feels the weight of the world.
This is what somatic work does. Instead of trying to calm your thoughts from the top down, it starts with the body, with the physical sensation of tension, of holding, of bracing, and works from there. When your nervous system gets to process and metabolise what it's been carrying, the whole body begins to soften and unwind.
Want to experience it yourself?
I made a free 17-minute guided somatic audio experience for this - for when you've got through the day and you just can't unwind.
This doesn’t ask you to clear your mind or sit perfectly still.
Instead, you can listen to this before bed, in the car on your way home, or on your daily walk.
It’s for whenever you need that moment to catch a breath and allow your body to begin to soften.
Download it free here - When the World Feels Too Much